Moving OnEven though I didn't want to leave Christianity entirely, I was very faithful in church avoidance for several weeks after I left that large, mainstream Pentecostal church. I think I just wanted a vacation.I struggled with many things in the immediate aftermath of my departure(s). Initially, I felt like churches in general, and specifically the ones I had been involved with, had let me down in some fundamental and unforgivable way. I was bitter. I doubted the integrity of everyone who was even remotely associated with those kinds of groups. I was glad to hear about anything difficult or publicly embarrassing that happened in their lives or ministries. I said and did things for the purpose of hurting the people I used to consider part of the "family." In short, I was turning into exactly what I didn't want to be... and I was miserable. I didn't have one of those dramatic turn-around moments. I didn't see any bright light or get knocked off my horse. It didn't take any great revelation or deep insight... I just realized that going from one situation where I was miserable to another situation where I was miserable wasn't really an improvement. It was time for a change. I wanted to start over. I wasn't even sure if I was technically a Christian anymore. I had often heard it said that Baptists believe in 'once saved, always saved.' For a Pentecostal, it was more like 'once saved, barely saved.' Losing your salvation was a daily danger, something to be vigilant against... and leaving the church was one of those sins that pretty much guaranteed the loss of your salvation. I also wasn't sure what I believed about God anymore. I had a lot of conflicting teaching floating around in my brain. Although my last church had been Trinitarian, I was previously involved with Oneness churches. (That's a whole other discussion for some other page... I wouldn't even know where to start right now!) And what about all that supernatural stuff? How much of it had been real? Was it even important? When I started looking for a new church again, my expectations were very different. During my last church search, I had focused on the things I wanted to avoid... and obviously that hadn't worked. This time, I took the opposite approach. I started making lists of things that I thought were important to have in a church. I came up with quite a collection. Some were reasonable, some were just silly. In the end, I boiled it down to three things that I felt were most important to have in a church:
It was easy to find churches that had two out of three, but surprisingly difficult to find one where all three were covered. Don't get me wrong -- I liked many of the churches I visited, and probably would have been content to go there if I wasn't looking for something so specific... but I'm glad I held out for one that met all three criteria. Once I found it, I attended for more than six months before I felt comfortable enough to officially join. I still had questions and even some doubts... but now, instead of expecting them to melt away or feeling compelled to hide them, I was in a place where it was safe to question... and strangely enough, some of those old questions don't seem quite so big or intimidating anymore. I knew that I had a long way to go. It was still a process... but it was an honest process, and that was a wonderful place to be. I thought that I had finally found my "happy ending..." but it was only the beginning! |